What If
by inspired-looney
Summary: What if Sarah had seen kiss @ the dance off, could Craig have denied it?


It's the night of the dance off; John Paul and Craig are getting drunk in an empty gym whilst Hannah, Sarah and Nancy are wandering around laughing and chatting. Hannah decides to go and find John Paul and Sarah decides to join her assuming Craig will not be far from his best friend.

They arrive in the gym just in time to see their world shatter.

"Hey hey…Come here, come here, come here" Craig says, taking hold of John Paul's lapels, holding the younger man in front of him. "You remember this alright? I love you, alright, I love you." Craig says, a giggle escaping his mouth before he continues "I love you."

John Paul is holding Craig up as they both giggle, although he's laughing more at the state of his drunken friend than at his words of a moment before however, his laughter turns to shock as Craig leans forward and presses his lips to John Paul's. John Paul had fantasised about this moment for months and he allowed himself to get lost in the wondrous pleasure of the moment. It was not until a hawk like screech filled the silence of the room that the kiss finally ended.

As the two friends moved away from each other they turned to discover their girlfriends looking on. The screech had come from Sarah whilst Hannah stood quiet and still, the colour drained from her face. The noise had attracted the attention of the other students who were now filing into the hall.

"What's going on?" Someone shouted.

"Who screamed?" Someone else asked.

John Paul, Craig, Hannah and Sarah just stood, looking at each other, all lost for words.

It was Sarah who found her voice first.

"Why?" She asks, looking directly at Craig.

John Paul looks at his friend as Craig nervously rubs the back of his neck. John Paul is completely aware that Craig is not gay, he's just drunk but now, looking from Sarah, to Hannah, to Craig, he wonders how he can fix this situation so no-one gets hurt and most of all, so no-one finds out what happened. A shiver of fear runs through him at the thought of someone telling his mum that he was caught kissing another guy.

Craig is still standing in silence. Restless murmurs are coming from the crowd, all wishing to know what's going on. Judging by his stance and unfocused gaze, Craig's mind seems to have stopped any coherent process but John Paul's is working overtime to come up with a plausible explanation to get the four of them out of this situation and away from everyone, anything to keep this secret.

"Sarah, he's just drunk, we all are. Let's go and get some fresh air, talk about this." John Paul says in his most calming voice, moving away from Craig to stand next to the girls.

"Is getting some fresh air going to change the fact that he kissed you?" She whispers

"No, but it was a friend thing, it wasn't like," John Paul falters, trying to find the right words, "it was nothing." He says, trying to rationalise what had happened, not only to Sarah and Hannah, but to himself. He looks again from Craig to Hannah to Sarah, all the while hoping and praying Sarah had spoken too quietly for anyone to really hear what she said. Craig is still standing silently, rubbing his neck, staring unfocusedly at his shoes. It is Hannah who finally speaks up loudly enough for everyone to hear.

"He kissed you, you kissed him, you both kissed each other and that was not a friendly kiss." Her voice gets higher the longer she goes on. The words come out in one long shriek. "That was how we kiss, how he kisses Sarah, that was kiss full of love and lust!" She stops to draw a breath. John Paul flinches as her eyes focus on him and he sees not anger or contempt, but hurt and fear. He likes Hannah and the idea of hurting her was unbearable. "He said he loves you and you smiled at that, does he love you like he loves Sarah, do you love him? Are you gay?"

John Paul flinches again and finally has to turn away from her grief filled glare and the question he never wants to answer.

He looks back at Craig, willing him to get over the apparent shock of the situation, start that crazy brain of his and get them out of this jam. John Paul's prayers appear to be answered as Craig finally looks up. He looks straight at Sarah, than at John Paul before turning and running out the fire escape at the other end of the room.

"I guess that's our answer then isn't it!" Hannah states, her voice full of venom as she turns to John Paul, "You going to join him then?"

John Paul feels lost. He can hear the gathered crowd start to discuss what has happened, looking at him expectantly. He feels trapped under the gaze of his classmates and his girlfriend and he can't figure a way out of this situation so he follows the example of his best friend. He turns and runs.

...

Craig sat quietly in the village by the fountain. His mind which had been blank for what seemed like years was now finally working overtime and he had no idea what all the random thoughts meant.

'I kissed John Paul. I kissed my best friend. He kissed me back. It was the alcohol, it had to be, but then why didn't it feel wrong? Mum always said that being gay was wrong, that men should be with women and women should be with men and any other scenario was just wrong. So why didn't kissing John Paul feel wrong? I'm not gay, I can't be! I love Sarah, I do, I'm turned on by Sarah, and I've always been turned on by women. I never watch a movie and think that some actor is really gorgeous or think that I'd like to see some guy naked, not like I do with the women in the movies so why did I kiss John Paul?'

Craig slid off the stone seat to the ground below. His back against the cold stone, he held his head in his hands and he came up with only one answer.

'I love John Paul. It felt right to kiss him, right to say those words to him, it just felt right.'

He looked up to the fountain, watching the water splashing down and was calmed by the soothing sound.

'Sarah told me she loved me tonight and I know I said it back but it felt kinda forced. When she said it her words came free and easy. It was truly how she felt with no hesitations or reservations. I was surprised that someone like her could love me, I was happy she loved me and I meant it when I said it back but I'd never thought about it before. I knew I liked her; I always get jealous when she talks to other guys, especially Rhys but love, that's something else entirely. I do love her in a way, which I guess is why I told her I loved her, as well as the fact she was obviously expecting it. I never want to see her with someone else, I never want to see her hurt or upset, I'd do anything to protect her but shouldn't proper love be all encompassing? If she is truly my soul mate, the one and only love of my life, shouldn't I want to be with her every second? Shouldn't I want to see her, touch her, be with her all the time and the idea of not being with her should be unimaginable? It's funny, but if she moved away tomorrow, was out of my life for good, I'd be sad but I'd get over it. John Paul is the one I can't imagine never seeing again, what does that mean? But at the same time, if Sarah and I broke up and she moved on with someone else, right in front of me, I don't know if I could stand that. God, why is everything so complicated?'

Craig cradled his head again as tears flowed freely.

...

John Paul sat sobbing. After leaving the gym he ran and ran with no idea how long he'd been running or where he was running to until he suddenly found himself by the river and promptly collapsed in a heap against a tree.

'How did this happen? I don't want to be gay, I want to be straight, I want to love Hannah, have Craig as a best mate and just be happy, but it's a lie, I know it is. God, mum will never forgive me. She's preached at me my entire life that men should love women and women should love men and anything else is not right in the eyes of god, she'll disown me if she knows I love Craig. But that's the truth isn't it, I love Craig, I'm in love with him. When he kissed me tonight my whole body felt like it was on fire. My mind exploded and I never wanted it to end. But why did he kiss me? Was it just the alcohol that made him do it or is there something more there? He's straight, he's totally straight, he drools over women all the time and I know he's had girlfriends before, he's never given any indication he could fancy a bloke, unless you count him telling me he loves me and kissing me tonight.'

John Paul smiled at the memory of his friend's drunken ramblings and that kiss.

'It probably only lasted a second but if felt like years. God, what I wouldn't give to be able to kiss him again. But I know I can't. He's straight; he'll probably never speak to me again let alone kiss me again. He'd never want me and mum would disown me if I went around kissing guys. But you know what, part of me honestly believes that if he loved me the way I loved him, if I was allowed to hold and kiss him the way I want to I could cope with almost anything, including the wrath of my mum. But without him there is no point in breaking my mum's heart. I just couldn't do that to her. I need to make a go of things with Hannah, if she'll listen to me. It may not be as exciting and breathtaking as my fantasies about Craig but at least that's real and no-one else will get hurt. She loves me and we can make a go of it.'

As John Paul made his decision he felt his heart sink. Whatever he had with Craig, whether Craig was gay or straight or bi John Paul knew he'd never know, could never know, because it had to stop. It had to end now.

He got up and headed into the village centre. He knew he had to sort things out before the rumours got back to his family. He headed to Hannah's and only hoped she'd listen to him and forgive him.

John Paul walked quickly and with a purpose. He had to fix things and he had to do it now. The entire way to Hannah's house he only had one thought in his head, he knew he had to explain and get her forgiveness. He knew what he was going to say and he just hoped she believed him.

It felt like no time at all before he was at the front door and rather nervously he knocked.

...

As John Paul was going to see Hannah, Sarah found Craig sitting alone in the village.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," he replied.

"I think you owe me an explanation." Sarah stood, arms folded, a bitter expression etched on her features

"I know, I just don't know what to say, I don't really know what happened." Craig kept starting at the ground. He couldn't look at her, he couldn't see the hurt and anger, the contempt and betrayal he knew she was feeling.

"I can tell you, I saw the whole thing. You said you loved him, you laughed, he laughed then you kissed him. Why did you kiss him?" every word she said was laced with the venom that must have been coursing through her veins and every word stung him like she was a snake attacking her prey.

"It was a friend thing, we were drunk."

"Why did you run off then?"

"I couldn't stand all those people staring at me."

"Judging the gay boy?"

"I'm not gay!" he whispered

"Really!" she screeched again, "if you're not gay why were you kissing your best friend?"

"I told you, I don't know. I was drunk."

"You seem pretty sober now."

"A shock tends to do that to you."

"What did it feel like?"

Craig thought hard about how to answer this question. He had two options, be honest with Sarah and lose her but be able to kiss John Paul again, or lie to her and lose his friendship with John Paul. He looked up, a determined expression on his face, fear and uncertainty but also strength showing through in his eyes. He stood up and looked squarely at Sarah.

"I'm sorry Sarah," he began, "I really do love you and I don't want to hurt you but, kissing John Paul, it felt right, it felt natural and easy. Saying 'I love you' to him felt normal. As much as I do love you, it's different than with John Paul."

Craig faltered slightly as tears started flowing down Sarah's cheeks, but he knew he'd made his decision and he had to see it through.

"You deserve someone to love you wholly and completely. You deserve someone who wants to be with you all the time, who can't imagine their life without you, someone who will ache when they are not with you and I'm sorry Sarah, that isn't me. Maybe in time it could have been, if John Paul hadn't come along, but now, that's how I feel for John Paul and I need to find out what these feelings mean before I can move on."

"But I know you are not gay." She sobbed, "I mean we, well, you know and you had no problems. I've seen you drooling over women on TV, you never even notice the guys. You are not gay, I know you are not!"

"You're right. I never watch a movie and think about the guys in it, I do love women, they turn me on, you completely turn me on but, that's just sexual, I think I love John Paul. It's not about being gay or straight, it's about whom you fall in love with and I really do think I love him. I owe it to myself to find out."

Craig reached out to comfort his now former flame but she pulled away from his touch. With one final look she turned and ran.

Craig took a deep breath and headed for John Paul's. He had to know what his feelings meant and he had to know tonight.

...

Whilst Craig was being honest and breaking up with Sarah, John Paul was determined to salvage his relationship with Hannah.

Rhys answered the door and immediately had a go at John Paul. Hannah had arrived home in tears and was currently crying in her room, not talking to anyone.

"I need to speak to her," John Paul began, "It was a misunderstanding and I need to explain."

"Do you hell, you hurt my little sister, I should deck you." Rhys replied, towering over the younger man, balling his fists, ready to pounce.

"I hurt her and if you wanna deck me I'll give you a free shot, but I can fix it if I can talk to her." John Paul's reply had more strength than he felt but he knew he had to stand up to Rhys if he had any chance of convincing Hannah.

"It's fine Rhys, let him in." Hannah's soft voice came from behind Rhys who looked to his little sister, sitting there, still in her party dress with make up running down her face.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly.

"Yeah, it's okay," she replied.

"Hurt her and I'll kill you," came a final warning from Rhys as he allowed John Paul through the door.

"Let's go upstairs," Hannah said as she led him to her room.

As the door closed behind him, he laughed at the symbolism. By Hannah being willing to listen to him, closing that door meant he was also permanently closing the door on any chance he may have had to love and be loved by Craig.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I think I was in shock, I didn't know what to say or do, I didn't even know what I was thinking, god I was so drunk."

"Why did you kiss him," she whispered,

"He kissed me Hannah, you were there, you must have seen that," he pleaded.

"I did but you kissed him back!" her voice was cracking as the tears started to flow once more.

"I did, but I was confused and drunk. You've got to understand Hannah; I've never had a friend like Craig before. He's my best friend, I love him and I'd do anything for him." John Paul looked up to look straight into Hannah's eyes. "When he kissed me it was a kiss filled with all that love and respect. We are closer than I ever thought possible, but I'm not in love with him, I'm in love with you!"

"Are you sure?" was her only reply.

"Yes!" he replied

"Okay, well come here and give me a kiss," she said smiling for the first time. John Paul smiled as well as he kissed her but all the while his heart was breaking.

...

John Paul wasn't home when Craig arrived so he sat outside and waited.

He waited all night, but his friend never came home.

As the first rays of sunlight stretched over the rows of houses Craig looked at his watch. It was nearly seven thirty; he couldn't believe John Paul stayed out all night. He stretched his legs and walked back to The Dog, knowing his mum would be frantic that he hadn't come home, but, for some reason, he couldn't find it in him to care. He'd been strong enough to be honest with Sarah, but he'd lost John Paul anyway. He only hoped Sarah would have enough sense not to tell everyone why they broke up, or he'd be forever known as the gay boy.

John Paul had spent the night with Hannah. As soon as they'd made up he sent a text to Mercedes, telling her to tell mum he'd be home late, not to wait up for him. But the exhaustion of the evening overcame both John Paul and Hannah and they simply fell asleep.

As they awoke in the morning John Paul couldn't smile anymore. His heart was lying on the floor in pieces whilst Hannah was gripping onto him for dear life. He kissed her before going to home to get changed and ready for school. He knew it was time to face Craig once more.

...

As expected Frankie had been furious but seeing her little boy upset she let the anger go and tried to comfort him. Craig blamed his emotions on his break up with Sarah before retreated to his room, but this didn't help. He felt trapped and claustrophobic by his surroundings, he had to get out, but he had nowhere to go, no-one to talk to. He changed into his school clothes, grabbed his bag and headed out, hoping to quash any rumours before they started. Hoping to see John Paul and sort things out.

He arrived at school late but didn't hurry to his first class. The prospect of facing not only Sarah and John Paul but Hannah and Sonny as well made him tremble with fear. He reached the class, stopped, took a deep breath, held his head up and entered the class.

He did a quick sweep of the room, spotting John Paul and Hannah laughing and smiling, talking and kissing at the back of the room and his already cracked heart finally smashed into little pieces.

"So the gay boy showed up then," Sonny laughed. "Do yourself a favour and just go now, we never wanted you here and we really don't want some gay boy in our class, just fuck off."

With one last look at John Paul and Hannah, Craig turned and fled from the class and from the school and the life he'd known.


End file.
